I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm too high and old for this...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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