How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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