My boss' voice literally gives me gas
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize