i just wanna soil my oats bro
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
