Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
