omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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