Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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