Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
