I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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