I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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