he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
