I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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