Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
