I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
