I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
