Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
