you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
