I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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