The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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