in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
