i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
