Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
