your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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