Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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