tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
