You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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