I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
