I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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