i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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