I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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