Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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