I should be sponsored by Trojan
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
