Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
