i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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