you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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