Got a toothbrush?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
