rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
