dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
