There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
