I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
