Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
