So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just blew my weed a kiss
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
