Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
