Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
