my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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