Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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