Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
