Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
