I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
