Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You made out with two different species that night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
