I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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