just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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