My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
