i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
