Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
