wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
