the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
