I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize