I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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