just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
