He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
