this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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