Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
