I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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