she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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